the frog that dove into the pond.again.

its a feverish feeling to feel that, for only a short period of time you thought you'd broken free from the chains that bound you, to live a life without gravity's constant sucking you back, to be able to do and decide things of bigger responsibility by yourself... and now, knowing that after 1 and a half week later you're gonna go back to the face of earth, to be back in what you've just left behind. it feels feverish.

it feels so, because u'd think how big an idiot you ARE ,for your own actions had led you back to where you were running away from:
After the last day at my last job, months ago, i went to bali. had a great 12 days surf vacation and improved awfully alot on my basic skills. then i came home refreshed, just like what the tarot had told me(which i chose to believe) a lucrative freelance job ended up in my hands and several others came along. so i became a freelancer for 3 months almost and i'd say everyday is a holiday even when i was rushing nights and days, i could be doing what i want at anytime i want, working with my legs folded up heck cares, wearing nothing but my red speedo shorts, going for a surf whenever i felt like, going to bookstores whenver i felt dry. UNTIL, until a week ago when the feeling of my luck was wearing thin, i called up this guy who was offering a job, and thought he might outsource something to me so that i could continue to work the way i like. but instead i was offered a job position, which under all normal circumstances, i would reject at all costs. but the cost was too high and i accepted his offer, under one condition: i wish my saturdays to be alternative working, instead of working on every saturdays. ..so that when the monsoon comes i wont miss the surf trips. .. and he said okay.

and SINCE the day that i had signed his offer letter, the anticipation felt terrible. this period of time feels like being in a chamber of unseparated mixed up feelings, like a surrendered prisoner waiting for his deathroll, an orphaned astronaut waiting to go back down to earth, a frog diving back into the pond. and i stayed in this condition until just now. when my mate, bruce popped a question at me: "then why the hell did you accept the offer? "
it made me pose a take, and my mind froze a split second before coming back to my senses and my first sense was the stupid feeling u feel when you wet your pants when you knew it was going to be a long and bumpy journey and you didnt pee. in shorter terms: say "fuck" in a humble tone of voice, with your eyes staring down, then looking at the scenery.

he got me. i didnt even know why i was whining. why i SHOULD be. it gives me no reason or whatsoever to have my temper at my neck level .heck, i made the decision myself to take up the offer because the price was interesting. i had no one to blame but myself for not struggling hard enough to stay as a freelancer. and i was looking at things at only one perspective.

it would prolly sound confusing to read my blog right now, cos i myself am contradicting my own words, my own thoughts and tobe in such a state, i cannot trickmyself to say that i know what exactly i'm doing to my life. alot of people says go with the flow. well, i guess i dont have much choice do i. although honestly i feel shitty to be not knowing where i want to go.it's like to be given a SIMS character and you dont know what you want to do with it, with so many choices, i dont know what i want to do with my life.alot of my friends are in this state deep down, although not much shows it. do you know where you are going?if yes, teachme how come you're so sure.
while at the mean time, i shall prepare myself to embrace the new job.
the arrogant bastard thinks that god has a greater task for him. although he doesnt believe in god.HAHA