fiction.

His vision was blurred when he opened his eyes once more, it took him 5 long seconds to focus on the swinging pendulum he was holding up with his right hand.his left hand was resting gently on the table. the room was dark, dimly lit by a lonely yellow 40W bulb hanging from the ceiling that casted a long shadow behind his silhouette. he was trying to focus on not focusing on anything, however,at the back of his mind, inside a vault which many of his wearies reside, he is trying hard to supress the surfacing feeling,the surfacing of his conscious and over-worried mind. as the swinging brass knob leads his eyes swinging to the hypnotic rhyme, his stiff shoulders gradually let go,his head drops and a faint message slowly fades up to the pitch black that his closed eye sees, he told himself : " i will continue to dwell and drop deeper and deeper into the next level of my subconsciousness;into the greater self in me. and i will be able to answer the questions that the lesser self in me had asked." and in the shape of a hunched silhouette leaning back onto a couch, he dropped deeper ,and deeper and deeper.

It was his solitary moment. he didnt know whether other people had the need for such a thing, a moment to be alone, to be away from everything and everyone else. but he was sure he needed that loneliness to savour, all by himself,the peace was his short term getaway- renewed atleast every other forth night. and it was, to him, as important as drugs are, to addicts.

However, today was a little different, not because he had just bought himself a brand new red colored ALFA ROMEO 156, not because he had hit top sales this month, again, No it's not that.in fact, he had always been aware of his ability to perform his job beautifully, he was the gem and leader of the whole salesforce , the ruby in everyone's eyes. Today had become different not because of these routine,it was something that he hadnt encountered before, it was different because he couldnt remember anything at all, anything at all after lunch.
and it's unusual for his efficient mind just to have the whole chunk of the half day's memory to be taken away ,as if it had evaporated off into thin air. ..the only image that seemed to register is a set of digital display numbers that resembles a tell of time : 3:15. thats it.

So he went home and sat inside the dark room. he shut his eyes very tight. so very tight that he starts to see stars and streaks that float around the pitch black darkness inside his shut eyelids.for a moment he thought they looked like imaginary plankton cels floating in the sea. floating so gracefully until he gently releases his firm tightening grip of his eye muscles.. and it took 5 long seconds before his eye caught up with the swinging pendulum he had intended to use, to hypnotize himself . like an elevator ascending up a building that reaches into the heavens, he drops gradually deeper and deeper into a seemingly undefined depth.as usual, he envisions himself being naked holding only a piece of paper--some sort of a tag on which he wrote down the questions, that he was out to seek for its answers. and wat started as a slight sink ,soon became a drastic plunge, and the surrounding light speckles start to blur into light streaks. not knowing when, he had lost the vision of his naked self. now it was pure nothingness.he wasnt sure whether it was still plunging or not, for nothing was certain at such a level.

It felt like an eternal period of serenity. like scaling a familiar mountain, this is the point where he always liked most. a place when at times he hadnt any questions to ask, he'd stay here to enjoy the peace.But today this is not where he intended to stop at. he remembers that on the paper he's holding, is a question that had boggled his mind for the whole afternoon. he still remembers that the lesser him is an impatient person that gets easily annoyed when the answer is hidden from him.so he drifts his thoughts, the more he lets go, the deeper he continues to sink...

Then the darkness continues to flood most of the nothingness, until. UNTIL the moment when a burst of white color blasts out,rapidly filling the whole nothingness with white sparkling fluid like flooding light., and suddenly he realised that being in this mind-picture, he could notice nothing but the question that he was carrying- the piece of tag he was carrying all along this journey. although he has had a great number of times experiencing this level of meeting with his "greater-self", he cant help being mesmerized, every single time, by the splendour and fantasticity of this unutterable experience. he only remembered, at this very moment, the only thing: which is to ask the question.and he knew, after asking, he will then proceed to have a vision, some sort of a dream that carries the answer which he will then wake up from. at this moment, he felt relieved. it felt like christmas morning , sitting infront of the christmas tree with the presents in your hands waiting to open it.: he knew that the question his "lesser-self" had posed will be answered shortly, he will soon find out what happened during the mysterious afternoon that he hadnt any memory about.

As he took a deep breath.. he saw a quick transition from the whiteness to a projection of moving images in front of him. there were many shapes and colors. mostly deformed and blurred, or more appropriately , as if smudged.which,there was nothing at all that he could possibly relate to.until he came to a few green dots that slowly fade out to form a familiar sort of sign. as if by instinct, he took up the tag he brought along and looked at it. on top of it, was written: "what is 3:15 ""what happenedd this afternoon" ..and he quickly realised that the green dots that are taking form, were actually becoming clearer and clearer, and they resemble a digital display of 3:15pm .. he felt, at that moment, weird.Weird because there was a mixture of satisfaction and dissatisfaction--Satisfaction from getting to know that 3;15 is actually a display of time , dissatisfaction being curios of why it is the only thing he could ever remember at all.

It was his "greater-self" state he was in now, so he was patient. and waited for a moment. he paid attention to everything blurring pass his eyes, he anticipated because somehow he felt that in no time, the visions will be clearer. by then, he will be able to crack the afternoon's mystery.

"in no time" was a perfect description because he couldnt define how much time had actually passed. But all of a sudden. he paused. he paused in awe and shock. he saw what he had never expected to see. something that made him doubt the reliability of these visions. all of a sudden, he wanted to believe that these visions were NOT accurate. he wanted to believe that what he saw wasnt true.but he knew well enough that these visions were ALWAYS accurate. from what he saw he concluded, he knew that he will stay in this eternal serenity.

From the blurry moving images, he could gradually make out shapes. the major color in the picture is in red. as the image clears out, it showed the interior of a red coloured car. the clock was there. it showed 3.15 pm . it was a dashboard digital display clock. and it was up-side-down. as the image gets clearer and clearer, he can see that the windscreens were all shattered, and he could now differentiate there were two shades of red in the picture. the darker looked like blood. and he knew it's his. -- the moving image keep looping . it was a short sequence that kept looping and stopping at the green display: 3:15pm .That, he realised ,was his final image. the final snap of moment when everything had terminated for him. he knew he was to stay at his table. in the dark room. in his solitude. for eternity.



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it is said that in the event of a great disaster, the subconscious mind takes over the conscious mind. for him, probably he wouldnt even know that at 3:20, i saw his overturned car beside a heavily damaged tanker. and i grieved for him.

--the end.

last week before i start work.again.

YOSHINKAN--i've almost totally forgotten about the fact that the martial art of self defence that i'd been indulging in for so long, has such a wonderful and meaningful name: YOSHINKAN. in chinese, its read as:"yang3 shen2 guan3" which means "the house of cultivating spirit" i mean, how much better can a name go? anyways..

it is 11.00 in the night, a hot and damp night, the setting is in a crowded living room, the air is thin,and my nostrils are blocked. everyone is talking, multiple speakers are turned on to diferent channels, someone is throwing darts at a wooden board, i cant hear my thoughts neither can i breath so i turn on jack johnson for background music, it helps to improve on breathing, literally, it helps to keep me sane. sane enough to keep my mind straight.

well,the learning process is always like filling up a cup, or atleast this is what i've come to realise, Adam sensei had told that by the time you get your shodan(first black belt) your cup will be filled full, and iether you will need to move on to a new, empty cup to start filling again or you stop there. in this case,although i have not yet reached my shodan, i've come to the point of having a new cup, to be filled all over again. in other words, i'm weary of my techniques, i've come to realise that after so much that i've learnt, there is none that i have mastered. i will need to retreat to focus on the smallest details, the screws and nuts of the entire empire building, it's wat that holds the whole thing together. and i hope , starting from tomorrow's aikido practice, i will be able to start to pay attention to these little details so that all of these correct postures BECOME part of me. by the way, i kinda screwed up today's big-time aikido demonstration. i dont wanna think back about it, orelse im afraid i will be whining and blaming again.

--with constant practice and adaptation ,one will make the newly learned skill his NEW-natural ability. then eventually it will become his "natural reaction".-edward de bono.heck it's not his actual words but it's how i remember it.

there is no conclusion for today, learn to accept the fact that not all stories end with conclusions, it is so tonight, simply because my mind is not willing to rest yet. not right now, there is not a settling ground that it had encountered , no footrest to set for the night. today's demonstration had scraped me off from my arrogance in aikido, it reminded me of how much more i have to learn. how much more i can discover about myself.

to be able to learn something new, you must first empty your cup--- bruce lee.

the frog that dove into the pond.again.

its a feverish feeling to feel that, for only a short period of time you thought you'd broken free from the chains that bound you, to live a life without gravity's constant sucking you back, to be able to do and decide things of bigger responsibility by yourself... and now, knowing that after 1 and a half week later you're gonna go back to the face of earth, to be back in what you've just left behind. it feels feverish.

it feels so, because u'd think how big an idiot you ARE ,for your own actions had led you back to where you were running away from:
After the last day at my last job, months ago, i went to bali. had a great 12 days surf vacation and improved awfully alot on my basic skills. then i came home refreshed, just like what the tarot had told me(which i chose to believe) a lucrative freelance job ended up in my hands and several others came along. so i became a freelancer for 3 months almost and i'd say everyday is a holiday even when i was rushing nights and days, i could be doing what i want at anytime i want, working with my legs folded up heck cares, wearing nothing but my red speedo shorts, going for a surf whenever i felt like, going to bookstores whenver i felt dry. UNTIL, until a week ago when the feeling of my luck was wearing thin, i called up this guy who was offering a job, and thought he might outsource something to me so that i could continue to work the way i like. but instead i was offered a job position, which under all normal circumstances, i would reject at all costs. but the cost was too high and i accepted his offer, under one condition: i wish my saturdays to be alternative working, instead of working on every saturdays. ..so that when the monsoon comes i wont miss the surf trips. .. and he said okay.

and SINCE the day that i had signed his offer letter, the anticipation felt terrible. this period of time feels like being in a chamber of unseparated mixed up feelings, like a surrendered prisoner waiting for his deathroll, an orphaned astronaut waiting to go back down to earth, a frog diving back into the pond. and i stayed in this condition until just now. when my mate, bruce popped a question at me: "then why the hell did you accept the offer? "
it made me pose a take, and my mind froze a split second before coming back to my senses and my first sense was the stupid feeling u feel when you wet your pants when you knew it was going to be a long and bumpy journey and you didnt pee. in shorter terms: say "fuck" in a humble tone of voice, with your eyes staring down, then looking at the scenery.

he got me. i didnt even know why i was whining. why i SHOULD be. it gives me no reason or whatsoever to have my temper at my neck level .heck, i made the decision myself to take up the offer because the price was interesting. i had no one to blame but myself for not struggling hard enough to stay as a freelancer. and i was looking at things at only one perspective.

it would prolly sound confusing to read my blog right now, cos i myself am contradicting my own words, my own thoughts and tobe in such a state, i cannot trickmyself to say that i know what exactly i'm doing to my life. alot of people says go with the flow. well, i guess i dont have much choice do i. although honestly i feel shitty to be not knowing where i want to go.it's like to be given a SIMS character and you dont know what you want to do with it, with so many choices, i dont know what i want to do with my life.alot of my friends are in this state deep down, although not much shows it. do you know where you are going?if yes, teachme how come you're so sure.
while at the mean time, i shall prepare myself to embrace the new job.
the arrogant bastard thinks that god has a greater task for him. although he doesnt believe in god.HAHA