man

the problem with man is, that every man wants to be the alpha male in his pack. every man wants his voice to be heard, and every man crave for attention.

i have never thought myself to be in this stereotypical gender description, but i have recently found out that the more older i get, the more i am, becoming into what is called a stereotypical man. i cannot bear stupidity, slack, and ppl who are lack of interest and motive, yet it seems that my life now, is leading myself down the path, of being a nobody, or even worse, am i becoming the type of ppl that i despise? people tell me, it's the real world, be strong, even if you're weak inside, so that others will not peck on your weak ankles, hide your vulnerability. i cannot. for i cannot bear to pretend or hide anything that i feel.

as you age, into my age, and that do think too much, you will start to have periodical sinkings of emotions, you will worry about the years laid infront of you, infront of your own hands, are you making the best out of every minute.

i cannot help it but break down and ask myself , where am i taking myself to? so i resort to my only pillar of support back there. back at where it is the warmest. home in the arms of my loved one, "she" . and i weeped like a baby infront of her. shattering , only infront of this angel where i have always been taking care of, wanting for her to take care of me instead for once. for her warm wings to cuddle around me, to tell me that she would be with me. no matter what happens. and she did. in her own way, she did. she did not tell me what i had wanted to hear, thats her. i knew. but she showed me, thru her actions. that she'd stick with me. that's all i care.

KABOOOM>

if i were a volcano, i would fucking burst any moment now, the earth would break open a bottomless pit so i can swallow up those who are fucking in my way now, emotionally. from my boiling cauldron of melted carbon, i would spill out the strongest gush of steaming lava, that would lash onto your skin, devouring your flesh with the hissing sound of searing heat. i would carbonise your very torso, so that your soul is trapped forever in this concrete hell.

i am unleashed.
i am a demon. i am mad.
i am deprived of sleep. i am bored of my job.i am back in my office.
i am listening to him blasting off his music where a bunch of choiristic gay boys are singing in harmony. IN FULL blasted volume.
i am opening a studio with vincent and i am in need of sammie's support.
i am seeing black spots appearing in my vision as my eyes are bathed in the constant burning sensation, acquired from not acquiring enough sleep.
i am late back to work from lunch because i went location scouting for
our temporary studio. i am feeling bad already, i hope sammie would
understand. because even if the whole world didnt, it didnt matter.
as long as she does. if only she knew , she could just be the factor to chill the volcano.

(doodle)

"sir would you like to have cream toppings?"
"yeah."
he took his tray of mochalatte-whatever-frappeprapucino and headed to the most secluded dimmed corner of the whole shop. "ahh" he let out half a warm breath of air from his heavy lungs as he set his behind onto the familiar couch overseeing the rest of the cafe. it was 7.30pm, wednesday,his new nautica timepiece read.

it was a minute before he could get to his own senses, somehow everything looked as if tinted in a shade of dull brown. it felt as if his eyelids just couldnt raise that little bit higher to let more light in, as if his muscles were unwilling to pull up a curve with his thick peeling lips. all he could seem to do, was to stare into the blankspace wedged between the two heads of this couple seated right infront of his comfy plushy couch.

he wasnt unhappy.he wasnt himself. he just couldnt explain what it was. perhaps it was His version of pre-menstrual-syndrome, he was just restless the whole day. not only restless. he was JUST restless. like a monkey on a frying pan, he just couldnt sit tight, and everysmall problem that arose seem to add itself up to this big snowball of frustration. a snowball coming down the hill, that is barely stoppable.

barely unstoppable. if only there was an antidote. Well, atleast coming here alone, he thought , might help him chill and think straight to solve what he had been stuck in. or atleast identify why did he feel so, the whole day.this wasnt an unfamiliar feeling. the uneasiness that felt like a bug chewing on a strand of his vein on the neck. there was nothing much initially, but it was accumulative. like the waters of a flooded dam, the restlessness that wouldnt settle itself.

he figured that it would be useless to try to talk to anyone, for it shall be pointless because, he himself couldnt tell what was wrong with him.or what was the cause of such unneasiness. but deep down he recognised he needed someone to talk to. someone to cuddle, someone to listen and tell him, that, it will be alright. BUT he ditched the idea. simply because it was just unacceptable for a man like himself, to show such softness, vulnerability and desperation for care. for a man should be strong as always, he couldnt let her think that he would be, at times weak and in need of attention.

---a man should always protect the lady.---

it was a tug o war inside.now that he had started to think, to realise his need to see someone. to see her. BUT, then again, he shouldnt admit his weakened state, such instability will not only destroy the fort of impression he had been trying to forge, it will also shake her confidence in him. for so he thought. BUT then again, wouldnt it be more proper if he had been himself this time? he had always been himself, except for this softter side he hadnt. but now he felt so weak and low. thinking back, he still couldnt find the reason such restlessness could actually lower his self esteem.

"sigh*" he made a silent wish, he wished that she would sense his desperation for her. for her presence. he wished that she would come and hug him like how an angel would spread her gentle wings to wrap around them while he hugged her so tight, he hoped that she would come to listen to him, to stay in his arms and to tell him that nomatter what happens, he is the greatest.

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haha.not me. just some doodle. for mycase, my gf had all along known that i have a softer side character.
just to let you girls know, guys are not always strong and invulnerable.